Lack of sexual intimacy in men: why it happens, why it matters and how to navigate it

Today I want to talk about lack of romantic sensual intimacy in the lives of otherwise successful men.

I’m not talking about people who just aren’t that interested in doing it, I’m talking about men who do want more! and just aren’t sure how to navigate that want.

But first of all, why does a lack of sensual intimacy matter and why can it be a problem?

Intimacy is important for your mental health

Intimacy and satisfaction are important components of mental health. Men who lack intimacy may experience feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety. It can also lead to a decline in self-esteem and confidence, especially if they perceive their lack of activity as a reflection of their desirability or worth. It is not a reflection of your desirability or worth! Numerous factors contribute, from hormonal changes to busy working schedules. But sometimes it is hard not to let it knock your self-esteem if it’s been a long time. I’ve been there!

I once had a spell in my fashion/ media career where I was travelling across three continents on the reg with crazy hours, numerous “hats” to wear, events to attend, and an expectation that I look a certain way while I do it, which added to the pressure and filled the last few scraps of free time I had with Pilates, trying to squeeze in early nights and doing all my own beauty treatments either at 5am or after dinner because during salon opening hours I was always travelling, shooting, at a meeting, at an event etc etc etc.

Needless to say, my romantic life collapsed and even though I knew it was down to my schedule I did start to feel lonely and inadequate over time, especially the time I suddenly realised nearly three months had gone by with not only zero intimate contact with anyone else but also with myself! I wished I could schedule some hot intimate time- somewhere!- into my overflowing planner. I just didn’t have time for great encounters to occur naturally and organically. When was I supposed to find time to chill out in a bar and wait for attractive strangers to approach me?

It is important for physical health, including sleeping well and preventing diseases associated with old age

It’s not just mental health- sensual connection is important for physical health too and not getting any can be physically bad for us, especially as we get older. Sexual activity has been linked to numerous health benefits, including lower blood pressure, reduced risk of heart disease, improved immune function, and even better sleep. That’s right! If you’ve had trouble sleeping since things dried up, there could be a direct causal connection.

Studies from the Kinsey Institute in 2017 and the Journal of Sex Research in 2018 agreed that relationship satisfaction is positively associated with sexual satisfaction and frequency, which means if you are in a low-intimacy or no-intimacy relationship it could possibly lead to resentments or frustrations with your partner, eclipsing all the wonderful things you do share together.

Why is this happening to me?

I touched on this earlier but the reason otherwise successful men may struggle in this one area can actually be due to their success.

A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family (2015) found that long work hours were associated with decreased relationship satisfaction and sexual frequency among both men and women. But of course long work hours are usually required in order to become successful in the first place, and a lack of career success or ambition might not be attractive to potential partners.

This is reflected in a survey conducted by the Institute for Family Studies and the Wheatley Institution (2018), which found that perceptions of masculinity and success can influence relationship dynamics, with some men feeling pressure to prioritise career over personal life. The National Bureau of Economic Research noted in a study in 2019 that higher-income individuals may face challenges related to work-life balance and relationship quality.

In short, the impact of work stress on our sex lives should not be underestimated. It can kill spontaneous desire, even when you are not working, so unless you are scheduling intimacy appointments the way you schedule everything else, time flies by and before you know it, it’s been weeks, months or in some cases years since simultaneous spontaneous desire arose between you and a lover. It can happen to anyone. It happens to a lot of people, and if you are one of them, it is probably not your fault. Society is set up to reward your ambition and hard work, encourage dedication to your career not just for yourself but for your partner and family, benefit from your economic stimulation and sweep under the rug the potential consequences to your equally important but much less taxable private life. It does not care if you become unwell or just plain unhappy.

What can we do to increase romantic sensual intimacy in our lives?

Schedule sensual time.

It is not realistic to quit our jobs as a way of decreasing stress and having more free time, so personal time needs to be managed alongside work. If you are someone who writes everything down in their planner, this will work for you!

You know in advance when it’s coming and are prepared for it when it arrives. The attendant excitement and anticipation followed by warm memories mean that one simple date can improve your mood and attitude for weeks or months.

If you are struggling physically to get things started after a long break, try taking a high quality zinc supplement before getting a prescription for the infamous “little blue pills”. The difference with zinc can be remarkable within only a month. I have even heard that oysters’ high zinc content is where their reputation as an aphrodisiac comes from! But for this purpose, a few oysters won’t do the job- get a good supplement such as Garden of Life Raw Zinc, take it every morning until the bottle runs out and see what happens. It can work wonders on men, if you know what I mean…

Schedule other kinds of intimacy, such as a counselling appointment or two just to chat and a solo spa day with a nice long full body massage to help put you back in touch with yourself.

I also like to dine solo in really nice restaurants as a treat sometimes. It feels good to do something sensual and romantic just for myself. Plus if you’ve been somewhere before and know where everything is and how it works, you’ll look super relaxed if you take a date there.

Lastly, take a higher approach and think about why you want to hook up with someone, how you want them to feel throughout and how you could make the experience enjoyable for them too. This really helps to avoid overthinking your own physical reactions by distracting your mind, letting your body do its thing. If you take the approach that it’s all about you, your experience will always be limited to a kind of assisted masturbation at best. There is so much more pleasure to be had by giving pleasure away, believe me. Pleasure is the gift that always gives back tenfold- especially in our secret little world.

“I may have fallen in love with a sex worker I am paying. Could it be real?”

I have been seeing a sex worker for a year now, very regularly, like more than once a week. We go beyond sex and also have dinner dates and outside encounters. I am now extremely attached to her; I may have even fallen in love with her.

She was hired to provide me with a “girlfriend experience” and apparently she is really good at her job because she treats me so well that I sometimes ask myself if she has any feelings towards me. But I also understand that it may be just because she is an excellent professional; after all, she is just delivering what I asked her to deliver.

My dilemma is: should I accept that this is just a professional relationship that is bound to end one day or should I try to make it more permanent, possibly risking the end of the professional relationship that I enjoy so much?

Eleanor says: There’s a whole debate in studies of rationality about how we should react to what are called “debunking” problems. A debunking problem is when you believe something but there’s reason to think you’d have believed it whether it was true or not. So even though it really feels true, that isn’t necessarily a sign that it is true. Here’s one we all face: it really seems true that your kid is a phenomenally talented artist, or that your cat is in the 99th percentile of cuteness – but of course, your love for them would make you think that, so despite how strongly it feels true, you have to admit it might not be.

You know you’re in a debunking problem here. You pay her to make you feel adored, and when you do feel adored, it really feels true. But you also know you’ve asked her to trigger that feeling, so its intensity isn’t a guide to the truth.  

Does she have feelings for you? It’s not impossible. It’s not probable, either. But it’s not impossible. Still, I think the thing in the circumstances is to resolve that if she has feelings for you, she’ll tell you. That’s the only sign that you could take to be a true indication that she has feelings for you . And I think it is important not to stoke the hope that one day she will say that. Not “I’m waiting to see” – more like “I’m committed to thinking she doesn’t have feelings for me, unless she actively says otherwise”.

But – and this matters – that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the connection that you have with her. She provides this intimacy in exchange for money, it’s true. But you’re still allowed to experience it as intimacy. It’s so deeply important for us to be able to feel connected to others if want to be; seen and held if we want to be. Sometimes we get experiences that meet that need by purchasing them. People who want touch can buy massages, people who want sexual intimacy can buy it, people can even buy time to talk uninterrupted and just be listened to. These are all deeply valuable experiences and there’s nothing wrong with taking genuine succour and restoration and rejuvenation from them even though they’ve been bought. Professional relationships are just that – professional – but that doesn’t stop them from being genuine sources of care. She provides intimacy in exchange for money; you’re allowed to feel that intimacy.

You might also be pleasantly surprised by what this relationship could provide in the long term, even if she has no feelings for you at all. Sometimes experiencing the thing we need in a professional setting can make it easier to find and maintain it outside that setting. You don’t need to be thinking about endings or transience, either; sometimes relationships like this can last for years.

There’s nothing wrong with savouring the feelings you get from this relationship – as long as you recognise it as just that: a feeling, and not a guide to the truth.

This is an article by Eleanor Gordon-Smith copied and pasted here for your convenience. Click here to read it on The Guardian’s website (opens in a new window).

5 Steps for Socially Anxious Clients

If your sensuality feels blocked behind social awkwardness or shyness, this might be the blog for you.

I used to suffer intensely from social anxiety, to the point where I barely spoke at all between the ages of 16 and 18- perhaps that's part of the reason I became so interested in personal style and what I would call visual eloquence- expressing my inner world through style and spirit rather than through having to approach people and speak.

Thankfully, that quiet, awkward time is in the past for me, and with that empathy in mind, I have written this blog that I hope might help a shy gentleman out there approach a lady he is interested in.

1. Get to know my personality and desires in advance via this blog, X/ Bluesky and my wishlist. Yes, browse my wishlist, even if you have zero intention of buying anything: what’s on there tells you a lot about me and might give you something to chat about. Perhaps you like that product, hotel, restaurant or spa, or it’s on your bucket list, too!

2. If seeing someone you fancy naked for the first time makes you feel overwhelmed, you can have that moment alone and in advance using the wonders of the internet. I have a couple of nudes in my website gallery, and lots and lots of them on my OnlyFans account, which is the ideal place to get to know me better online. If you already know what I look like naked when we meet, you are more likely to look like Mr Cool (or at least, Mr Dignified) when you see the view in person.

3. Dream up a little date plan and mention it your message when you introduce yourself. You can use my wishlist for inspiration, if you like. Perhaps an art exhibition and dinner somewhere special to connect and build the tension followed by private time together at your hotel. Tip: unrushed first dates feel less stressful than brief encounters where one can almost hear the clock ticking. Squeezing a two-hour rendezvous into a packed schedule works much better with someone you are already very familiar with. A lunch or dinner date of four-six hours is my most popular first booking, and the time still flies.

4. Send a gift or tip in advance- always a pleaser!

5. You can do other advance prep before meeting to boost your sense of confidence and calm too. A yoga or gym session, a full body massage, a good night’s sleep, a haircut and professional shave, a mani-pedi, a hygienist appointment, new underwear, a little man-scaping, getting your favourite suit dry cleaned, and so forth. Each of these seemingly insignificant details can subconsciously positively affect a lady’s regard for you, give you ways to expel nervous energy in the run-up, and increase your inner confidence.

Ready to go? I know I am…

A Client’s Guide to Sexual Confidence

"Follow an expert." - Virgil

My honest thoughts right before meeting a new Client? "I hope they're nice. I hope they like me." I imagine the Client is thinking the same. But how do you get someone to like you? I'm not sure, but I think it begins with being very clean and very kind. Here are my thoughts.

It started with a kiss...

Kissing someone for the first time is one of the most subtly exciting of experiences. Perhaps we are still fully dressed, yet here we are, reaching out to each other and sharing intimacy. We are closing our eyes and literally tasting each other for the first time.

Our lips and tongues are so incredibly sensitive, and so close to our brains, that we can sense huge amounts of information from a kiss: taste, temperature, pressure. Even our noses are subtly involved in sensing what is going on.

We only get to have one first kiss, so I like to floss, use mouthwash and then brush my teeth immediately before. Then I can relax and not be self-conscious. (This may sound like an odd order to do it in. I saw a girl on X recommend it and now I'm never going back. I used to do brush, then floss, then mouthwash, but this way round really makes my mouth and teeth feel like they've been professionally cleaned.) Self-consciousness is almost as much of a passion-killer as bad breath (almost). I invite you to join me in this feeling of total relaxation. Hotel room bathrooms usually have toothbrushes and paste, or you can ask housekeeping to bring you some.

I'm yearning to touch you. Do you want to touch me?

The experience of stroking your date's silky skin is much more likely to go smoothly if you use a nail brush and then sand off any sharp bits.

There are emery boards in the vanity kits in hotel room bathrooms.

If you forget your nail brush, you can hack it by quickly washing your hair. That really cleans under your nails!

Scent is a powerful weapon in the seducer's arsenal.

Your companion smells amazing. Part of that delicious cocktail of erotic scents that make your cock twitch every time you come near her is her soap and shower gel, believe it or not, which may contain vanilla, chocolate, musk or certain spices that have aphrodisiac properties.

Whether you are busily showering in your hotel room in anticipation, don't make the common error of thinking that rinsing is the same as washing. What is the difference? Soap, plenty of it, from head to toe, and in every nook and cranny! 

Be generous when applying the shower gel to the wash cloth, and the soapy wash cloth to your whole body, paying special attention to your cock, balls and the cleft of your bottom, thinking of all the places you'd want your companion to touch and kiss you. It can be quite an erotic experience; a little hot, wet and slippery self-exploratory foreplay, if you will.

If you have a foreskin, you must pull it back and wash underneath every day, and after you pee- otherwise it won't be clean or fragrant when the moment… comes.

I personally have a particular thing for freshly washed balls that still have a mouth-watering scent of clean linen or oranges from the shower gel. I love kissing, licking, tasting and just... smelling them. I can get lost down there for quite some time! But if I can tell my date isn't in the habit of thoroughly soaping them, I find the taste and smell to be less enjoyable, and quietly avoid the area. If you don't use soap every day, your skin absorbs the bad smells over time, and even an emergency wash immediately before jumping into bed won't be enough to shift the none too fragrant results of months or even years of poor hygiene.

I want you to feel completely relaxed when we are together, and not worried about making a mess when you sit on white sheets and towels. You must wash the cleft of your bottom very thoroughly with the soapy wash cloth, really getting in there as far as you dare, so that you know that you can dry yourself equally thoroughly with a white towel and relax naked wherever you please without leaving embarrassing marks behind, and that your behind itself smells gorgeous.

All this talk of erotic scents is getting me very much in the mood, just writing this, btw! Scent can be a powerful aphrodisiac. Personally, I love a dash of cologne, but if you want a woman's point of view, it definitely isn't necessary :) A fresh kiss, a smooth touch and clean, fragrant, kissable skin are what matters.